That's it. I'm keeping score of all the shit that happens to me. Deduct points for every time I'm used or cheated or just generally mistreated. Add points for those rare occasions when I actually get the good things I deserve.
When the game is over, or it's approaching overtime, I'll look at the scoreboard and if I'm not winning on the cosmic scale of life, I'm not going out easy.
I just cannot imagine why everything always goes wrong. I mean, I'm sure there are people who disagree, but I just don't feel like I deserve to work so hard and never have anything go right.
Every day is an uphill battle to make my dreams -- all of them: a happy family/living situation, a good love in my life, getting through school without feeling the weight of the world, making a name for myself in the work world -- come true and my strength is waning.
But I never stop. I am a soldier. Or a force, like my best friend Ashley told me tonight.
I don't know how to not give something my everything. I push and push and push. It's like this trick of physics my friend Michele showed me where you push the backs of your hands against a door frame really hard for 60 seconds and then when you step away, your arms float upward.
Someday my 60 seconds will be up, I'll let go a little bit, step away from the door, and everything I want will come to me as effortlessly as my arms float skyward.
Someday, man.
Every ounce of pain shooting up my arms right now is just a piece of the puzzle.
Someday I'll float.
(This post borrows the name of a Hanson song that has been pretty much my theme song in life. The above photo of Hanson was taken by Bryan Johnson.)
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