Rubber bullets

I wish I could turn off certain channels in my brain, control what and who I think about and for how long. It would surely save me some trouble.

I wish I could find a nice, undamaged guy who would love me like he's never loved before. Someone who could make me laugh all day and get me out of my head. Someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him and someone who will make me happy, period.

The guy I want is someone who will hold my hand when he walk, kiss my forehead, give me back rubs and foot rubs and someone who wants to fall asleep in my Grammy's living room with all the men folk in my family after holiday dinners.

I don't even really care about height as long as I can still wear my high heels occasionally. I just care that he loves me and makes me happy.

And I always get to thinking "Oooh, maybe he's the one, the guy who fits this description." And then nothing ever happens. And I wonder, you know, if relationships are really as simple as "He's just not that into you." (I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to watch that movie.)

More than anything I want to stop thinking about any guy who doesn't think as much about me. I wonder if any guy has ever gotten worked up over whether or not I like him. I worry all the time, does he like me or does he not? Could he ever like me? What if I'm too tall or too fat or just too weird? What if, does he, does he not?

These questions are like rubber bullets; they may not kill me but they hurt like hell.

I feel like I'm unintentionally cutting myself and am completely unable to stop. I know they call them crushes cause they hurt but why do I have to crush on anybody?