I am dangerously close to wanting nothing more than a boy... a certain boy with a cute smile, a nice body, and the rare ability to make me laugh, really laugh. It is beyond taboo for me to like him since he and a certain one of my ex-best friends went on a date once or so I've been told. It isn't even completely clear whether this guy--I will call him Vin, short for "Vincenzo" and evoking the image of Vin Diesel (just about the sexiest man on earth)--thinks I am anything special. See, he is totally the kind of person to flirt with anyone and everyone, but he has been flirting with me for nearly 9 months! If he's not at all interested, he would have stopped flirting quite some time ago, no?
Last night, I was out with friends and Vin was working. At our table, there were my two friends Tanya and Amy and Tanya's friend Kurt and his friend Brad, both of whom are Coast Guards. Vin kept flirting with me in front of all of them and I can't help but flirt back. I felt guilty because Brad was supposed to be my date, although I've never met him or Kurt before. Vin asked what we were doing or maybe it was Twin, another server I know who asked, and when I said we were going to the movies after dinner, he asked why I never ask him to the movies. That is such shit, too, since I asked him to see The Dark Knight and other movies and he would consent but never actually go with me.
Eventually we were heading out and Vin asked me about the day that I had my breakdown in the restaurant. He said he had seen me and didn't realize who I was until he was driving away and Twin told him it was me... The rest of our party went out to the doors and I lingered for a few moments to talk to Vin. I tried to talk seriously to him about his movie comment and he just made jokes.
When I got home last night--er, early this morning--I was texting while exhausted (probably nearly as regrettable as texting when intoxicated though I wouldn't know a single thing about that) and sent Vin a text asking him to call me today. Then I slept till noon and now it's 9:15 pm and he hasn't called. I am trying to remember that Vin has probably been working all day, is still working, and does not want to call while he is at work, yet I cannot help feeling like he will not call because he doesn't like me.
I hate these mind games that I feel so much the victim of. I am a beautiful, intelligent girl who should be worshipped and adored by a million guys and my ego is seriously wounded that I am not worshipped and adored, let alone that I never get the guys I want. I don't even want a serious, till-death commitment. I'm not looking for marriage. I really just want a friend I can have fun with and kiss and the fact that I even want or need this much from a guy scares me. So why in the hell would I want commitment?
Maybe all of this is just the innate desire most humans feel for that which they are not supposed to want, need, or have. Maybe I should stick with this thought and I will eventually overcome my want for Vin.
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