Rules, playing fields and landmines

In the world of Waldorf (Santa treated this journalist to the second season of Gossip Girl), the ex who dates first is the one who wins.

But it's not winning when you date someone else or at least give dating someone else a shot and end up realizing that while, yes, you can move on, you don't want to.

All I can think about is what I want and what I'm not getting. I'm not enjoying myself or living in the moment. I'm not sure anymore if I can open up to a new guy. And if I do, what pace should I take?

Guys are scared easily, from my experience, but if you decide to let things unfold naturally, and to open up as you feel comfortable, they cannot deal with it. That's when they want you to open up right away. I don't know.

The thing is all about rules... When there are no rules, the playing field's riddled with landmines and the players, taking their lives into their hands.

I can understand why a player would wish to return to known territory. I mean, it's not exactly in my war plans. Just saying, I can understand why.

Q's Without A's

Are there any guarantees of a relationship's success?

Some relationships start out perfectly -- or as close to perfection as you can imagine (and let's admit, the beginnings of relationships are generally looked upon as having been perfect by the end) -- and end badly. Or even just fade; the fading of a relationship is worse than a bad ending. At least that's how I look at it. When two people let their relationship just dissolve, will they ever have closure? I'm beginning to fear not.

And what does this mean for a new relationship?

This is the sad tune I'm playin'

Here's part of the email I sent to my best friend:

I'm tired of being a fly on the wall at social events. I'm tired of being the girl who cries by the end of the night because she feels SO lonely. I've never been the girl who needed a bf... But I am now. Because the more I'm left alone in my head, the more crazed and unlovable I become. I'm sick. Like I really feel emotionally sick, if that makes any sense.

I'm sorry I'm not really elaborating... I just don't have the ability to put the reasons and feelings into words (beyond these) at the moment...

Yeah I really can't explain further at the moment.

There's a reason I feel this way but does the reason matter?

If there were a breakup manual, a "Dump Him for Dummies," it would probably include a step where you send all of his stuff back to him. It happens in all the movies and my friends always send things back to their boyfriends when relationships end.

What if you aren't so sure it is over? What if you did not want it to end, but you thought you had to to cut your losses? What if you're still in love and you still want him to be the first person to know every single minute detail about your day?

I am sure you guessed it but yes, I am talking about me.

What a happy Thanksgiving it was. I broke up with my boyfriend.

He says he didn't see it coming. I had. For weeks, we had barely been in touch. I was wrapped up in my school work and writing and who knows what he was wrapped up in? He sure wasn't keeping me up to date. I felt like I was doing all the work in our relationship. And it got to the point where I wondered what I had done wrong, why he didn't seem to care anymore.

On Thanksgiving day, I decided I needed to be on my own. I made the choice that felt like the only right choice for me.

And god, was it hard. My mom said to do it like ripping off a Band-aid; quick and relatively painless.

There is no such thing as painless when a relationship comes to an end -- or at least a page break.

For a week now, I have wrestled every day with the urge to call him. Or Facebook him. Or IM him. Something, anything. Preferably to hear his voice.

But I do not know what he wants. As long as we were dating, we said that we would stay friends even if we broke up. Now I think that was just pillow talk, you know, those sweet things that give you hope while you're together but in the end have the same effect as lemon juice in a paper cut. It burns.

This part of my chest, the part where my heart is supposed to be, it burns.

I'm going to send him some of his things this weekend. Maybe, if I can work up the courage to even write a letter, I'll send a letter with the package that explains why I did what I did.

What the letter could not explain -- and what I have yet to figure out -- is whether I really miss him or I am just lonely. It isn't that I don't care about him -- I really do love him -- but could it be that I'm lonely?

But since when does the reason behind the feelings matter more than the feelings themselves? I told a friend the other night not to invalidate her feelings and I think that is exactly what I am doing. Someone tell me to stop.

(Picture Credit: This blog post.)

Helpless.

Watching Stepmom, with a headache, when I already feel bummed out for a reason I can't lay a finger on, probably wasn't the smartest idea I have ever had. Every time I watch this movie I end up sobbing.

But today I already feel like sobbing without having to watch Susan Sarandon suffer through chemotherapy while another woman becomes such a big part of her children's lives.

I don't know why. I should be happy. But somehow, I never really am. There's always something missing. And I feel like I've written posts about these same feelings a million times...

They recur constantly.

And I try to fill that void I feel. Probably why I've been working myself to the bone lately (two internships, writing for The Temple News, blogging -- although that's been sporadic lately, and for this I do apologize just in case anyone's actually reading this). I love writing, don't get me wrong but I think the reason I've been doing so much is so that I can avoid thinking about this void inside.

I cannot figure out for the life of me where it comes from. And it terrifies me that I can feel empty for some reason I know not of. If I don't know the root of the problem, how can I get rid of the problem?

Emptiness.

Why?

Why?

Why?

I feel so helpless.

To squeeze or not to squeeze?

...Sounds like the title of a piece I could read at Rachel Kramer Bussel's In The Flesh reading series. But what I'm getting at, borrowing my language from a line in the 2004 movie The Girl Next Door, is this:

The question I'm facing right now: If I go through with this, will I regret it?

I am trying my best to figure out how to handle a situation that I never wanted to find myself in -- and yet it has happened again and again. How do I express my feelings so that I may find inner peace without permanently damaging my relationship with another person? According to Kelly, a porn producer in The Girl Next Door, the first rule of politics is this: "Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze."

As for me, I cannot figure out the politically correct way to handle this. I do not want to burn bridges. Especially not this bridge. It's not like it's the Golden Gate but still this bridge is worth more to me than almost any other. But what about this island-unto-itself, my conscience?

Can that be worth more than this bridge?

Sorry if I'm losing you amidst all these rambling thoughts. It's 1:54 a.m. at this exact moment and I cannot sleep yet I am not fully awake.

Now it's 1:55 a.m.

And I am no closer to a solution than I am to sleep. I wish someone would give me a remote control for my brain.

Consciousness in life-changing moments

"I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern our lives are far less conscious at the time than they seem later when we are reminiscing and taking stock."

This is what Esther says in narration in Sandor Marai's novella Esther's Inheritance. When I first read these words, I thought how true, how right they were. Then I was not so sure.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I agonize over things no one else might. I think things over and over and over. Granted the things I don't think that hard about -- whether to take a nap or to go to a certain place for dinner -- may be the moments that shape and define my life as opposed to the ones I think so hard about. Maybe that is how the importance or affect of a decision is determined; maybe the more you think about it the less impact it will ultimately have.

Today, I agonized about whether or not to go to my psychology class. It is a lecture with a ton of people, the professor is a pompous asshole who really pisses me off, and he posts everything online. Double plus bonus, when I do show up, I usually end up snoring. I went of course, and, of course, fell asleep. Did that decision impact my life? I don't think so.

Tonight, after I got home from psychology, I checked my email and IMed my boyfriend before I decided to take a nap. I set the alarm on my phone for 6 p.m. and awoke before it went off. I had to pee. Back in my room, I set it again for 6:30. I don't even remember getting up to dismiss the 6:30 alarm.

I finally awoke at 7 and kicked it into high gear to get the the cafeteria on the other side of campus for dinner before 8 p.m. because I was bound and determined to get dinner and fourth meal tonight. I got my dinner at 7:30 and had a half hour to kill before I could get my pretzel and lemonade at Auntie Anne's. When I got in line at 8 p.m. I was two in line behind the football team's quarterback, someone I have, um, followed -- you know, football wise! -- for a few years.

I had never met him before and as I stood there, wanting to say hi, I finally just -- and with very little thought at all -- tapped his arm and asked if he was in fact the man I thought him to be. Sure enough, there was my favorite football player talking to me, taking a personal interest (if only for those brief moments) in my background. All in all, we shared a few minutes of conversation before he jetted off to wherever, leaving with the words "It was nice to meet you. See you around." (Or something. I cannot very well be trusted to remember his exact words. I was dying of excitement.)

Granted, it has not visibly impacted my life -- and it is unlikely to since I have a boyfriend! -- and it may have had no impact at all, but it surely has the potential to and the decision to tap him was something I thought very little about.

Here is what I say: I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern are lives are the those when the decisions are made instantaneously rather than agonized over. The more you think about it, the less it matters.

At least this is how it seems to work for me.

Doctor's orders.

Kay was stressed about a paper we have to write for J1111. So I told her:

"take three deep breaths. scream out loud. listen to a Gwen Stefani song or two. take a drink of water. shut your eyes for 30 seconds and tell yourself it will be ok. then plunge back in. doctor's orders."

With all the work I've been doing, and all the stress I've felt, I've decided this is my new de-stressing ritual.

Maybe this will work for you too. :)

Someplace greater.

"If you listen to your heart you may not finish where you'd planned, but someplace greater"

I wrote this in a poem once upon a time and my friend Jenny (she is also probably my biggest fan) has had this quote on her Facebook ever since. I am finally starting to see the wisdom of my words. I am nowhere close to being where I planned on being at 18 but the ride I have had -- while certainly rough at times -- has been worth it. Not only that, but I am enjoying, immensely, the place I am at.

I hope my words can have some kind of positive impact on you. If nothing, that is my goal: to better the lives of others.

♥

Judgement Day.

Dirk Mai's website has quickly become one of my favorites. Check out this post about how quickly we judge. It's honestly something I hold quite close to my heart. Sure, I'm not judgement-free but I judge quite sparingly compared to others.

He writes: "...Is it fair to criticize someone when you have never met them and really have no clue who they are?..."