This letter is for all prospective suitors so that everyone one of them knows fully what they are getting themselves into, although I guess one could argue that because I do not plan on delving into the more positive things about my person that I am not keeping them fully abreast of everything.
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Dear _________,
I feel I must apologize for the fact that I am a mess. I am, simply put: intense, emotional, feisty, occasionally vindictive, introspective, inquisitive, occasionally stubborn but generally not, intelligent, dark, quick with a "burn," and I see too many flaws in people to be completely trusting or sociable.
One problem is I do not know who I am, or at least, I feel like I do not and so I will probably be constantly searching for who I am. As long as I feel like this, I will probably always question who you are and what I am doing with you and where it's all going. It will probably be very tiring for you and it will surely be tiring for me whether you notice me doing it or not.
Another thing is I really do not know what I want from a guy. It's the result of a lot of personal history. After all of the times I have been hurt by a guy, and after seeing all of the women I love get hurt by guys, I honestly distrust guys in general and, mostly, I distrust myself when I am with a guy.
Sure, you are not all the same. Sure, you are not going to hurt me. Sure, you love me or care for me or just think you could. Whatever. Whether you do it on purpose or not, you will hurt me. You will ignore me for a week or cheat or dump me for your ex or just leave when I need you and I will feel like I could die. I will ask myself how I could have let my world revolve around you. I am a lot stronger than I used to be, but not half as strong as what I need to be to be good in a relationship. Or maybe I am underestimating myself. Maybe I am too strong and I will not be the kind of girl you want. I used to be too amenable and self-sacrificing. I think this time, I will stick to my guns and I will not give in to anyone else's desires unless they match mine to the letter.
See, whichever way it plays out, I will be all wrong for you.
Also, I have a problem with letting people in. Either I will reveal too much too soon and you will run or I will wait too long to let you in and you will run away before I can (or you'll run away after I do and after you have determined that it wasn't worth the wait). My mom says I have not let anyone in lately and I do not understand. I have tried to be frank and still funny and I have tried to be understanding and fair and calm and it has gone awry. People always run from me.
My luck, you are the best kind of guy. You are the one (ONE!) guy on earth who knows how to respect a girl and how to love her and when to put her desires before your own. And now that I have found you (or now that you have found me), I have been through a bunch of bad ones and I no longer know how to be the right girl for you. Just my stupid luck.
Well, maybe I am all wrong as I sit here writing this. Maybe I am complete in your arms. Maybe I am the good girl I have always been. Maybe with you, unlike with anyone before you, I have figured out the perfect balance of slow and quick, or emotion and calm, of serious and fun. I kind of hope that this is all true, but I don't know if that's good enough for me. I do not think I can be okay with figuring out that it takes a man to make me a better person...
See what I meant about how messed up I am?
Sincerely,
Vered
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