Shipwreck

Yesterday, before I could talk myself out of it, I bombarded the cute guy in the class before my creative writing class and gave him my phone number. He looked at me like I was strange the entire time. The look on his face is burned into my memory.

It is that look which signifies just what kind of reaction I seem to get in everyone. I think I tend to horrify people. Or maybe I am horrified of other people. I do not know which it is anymore.

I feel like I'm always on -- or that I'm so lost that I don't even know what I am like when I am "off."

Today in my sociology class, we touched again on this concept of front and backstage behavior that we seem to always talk about. And it just makes me sad to think that there is no one outside of my own family with whom I am backstage.

I wish I had the energy to delve into this further, but I do not. I am terribly sorry I have been so short of shrift of late. I really just need to try and find my footing.

I can feel the world, my life, flow in and out around my feet, washing away the sand on which I stand. I am sinking slowly but surely. And I feel I have nothing to hold onto.