Saturday, September 26, 2009
Why does it seem that when things are good, I have nothing to write about? I really cannot quite grasp why my talent is so connected to my unhappiness. It's always easier to write well when things are all bad. And at the moment, while I'm drowning in schoolwork and wishing I had just a few more friends, I'm still sublimely happy. For the first time in my life, I'm in a good relationship with a truly beautiful guy and I find myself struggling to write... So it's not just about my happiness in general; everything in my life could suck, but if I'm romantically happy, I can't write. What is that?
I want to have my cake and eat it too. Why does it have to be one or the other? Well... I'm going to write whether or not I think it will be good. Maybe that's the only way to break this disturbing cycle. So please, pardon the next few posts for they may be stale and boring, irrelevant and insight-less, ugly and well... just disappointing. So sorry!
(Photo Credit: Me!)
Friday, September 18, 2009
Why is it so difficult to let past transgressions go, especially when they could be hurting our chances with someone new? I find it so difficult to watch a friend struggle with trusting someone new because of old hurts. Lately, it is the very situation I have been finding myself in. I am watching as my friend Kay struggles to trust what this very new, very cute guy is telling her because she is so worried about protecting herself, and nothing I say or do will help her to trust while still keeping a close watch on her heart.
I have been in her place, scared and afraid, tormented by the emotional pain I had been put through because the people I trusted had done me wrong. I was scared to trust new people but by nature, I still did trust to a degree. That's the thing about me. I can't help but trust people. Even when I want to put walls up, I can't help but tear them down--or let someone else do the work--but usually the walls don't get but waist-high before I let someone in. And I'm not talking just romantically.
Why is it so hard for others of us, when for some (like me) it comes so naturally, to trust someone when they've never hurt us?
And why, when some people are so hesitant to trust a new person because of the things others have done, do others give second--and thousandth--chances to the very same people who have hurt them?
The only reason I can come up with is this: we make judgements about people every day, little split-second decisions about those we come into contact with. Some of these we question constantly and others we maintain, even when the people our judgements have been proven wrong again and again. So maybe the question is really: Why do some judgements stick and others don't?
I have no clue. Maybe you do?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My friend Kay has been asking me for advice in matters of the heart lately and it is a little strange to me. This is the first time in my life that I have felt like I had something of benefit to say to her and to others when it comes to love and relationships.
One of the things I have spent some time thinking and talking about lately is how to recognize a good guy. I used to doubt that good guys exist and proof of my doubt can be found in older posts on this blog. But now I am sure they exist. They may be rare, but they are out there.
So how do you recognize a good guy? Here are a few of my pointers:
1) He does not scare easily. You feel like and/or know that no matter what you say or do, he is not going to run away. It is important that you can be vulnerable and share things with him and that he be sensitive enough to understand.
2) He asks how you feel about things and not just that, but he honestly cares about your response. He wants you to feel comfortable in every situation and so he asks you how you feel about him, about the things you two do, about pretty much everything. Not only does he ask but he says reassuring things like "If you don't want to, it's ok; I won't force you to" and "I'm glad you feel that way because that's how I feel," which leads me to my next point.
3) You both are constantly on the same page. I do not mean that you do not disagree about some stuff, but on big ticket items, like your feelings for one another, you two feel the same way. If you notice yourself (or him) saying things like "I couldn't have said it better" or "That's exactly how I feel" or even "Wow, who knew we'd be so in sync," you have got this one down. (Be happy; this is a very good thing!)
4) He cares about his family and friends. When my boyfriend said the most important thing to him were his godsons, I knew he was a good one. Anyone who cares about the people in his life in such a strong fashion is bound to treat you right. That is just how I feel...
5) He makes you feel like you shine brighter than the sun and are more beautiful than the moon. It is important that he have the ability to make you feel like you are one of a kind -- because let's face it, dear, you are -- and when he tells you how beautiful, sexy, luminescent you are, you just have this feeling in your gut that he is not lying. Some guys say these things and do not honestly mean them. If you have had any practice with this rotten-apple kind of guy, you should be able to recognize when the right guy means these things.
6) He does not just talk about himself and the things he wants. He has a general interest in the things that interest you. This should be pretty self-explanatory.
7) He makes plans for you to meet the important people in his life. I have dated guys and never met their families, so for me, when your guy makes plans for you to meet his family and friends or constantly expressed his wish for you to meet them until he makes it happen, it is a surefire sign you have found yourself a good one. (This really goes hand-in-hand with #4.)
These are my best tips for now. As more come to me I will post them. In the meantime, any boys want to know how to recognize a good girl?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Apparently, every time I go on Facebook, I see something that in my mind warrants my doling out advice. I should start charging for this stuff.
So my friend T from high school posted on her status that she is "fat and alone" and blamed one on the other. And so, after I told her to "SHUT. UP.," I wrote this:
"Loneliness is like the intermission in a movie. Sure they got rid of them, but I don't understand why. This is your chance to fill up on candy, drink some bubbly (either alcoholic or not), and just have a moment to think before the action starts again. Enjoy the fucking shit out of it."
These things just come to me... "Fuck, I'm good! How do I get these ideas? It's like a gift, you know? It's like I can't control it." (Sorry, couldn't resist quoting The Girl Next Door.)
Please enjoy intermission. :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I believe I now know why the past year has been so challenging. For one thing, it spurred a personal growth the likes of which I have never experienced before. Secondly, this growth, I believe, has led me a little bit closer to the person I want to be and so now I seem to have found the person I always wanted by my side.
I am not getting mushy. And do not take this as clingy or something like that. But for the first time in my life, I feel like an adult who is in an adult relationship and I relish this little fact. Maybe it is too soon for me to say things like this and maybe I will jinx it but I highly doubt so.
There have been guys in and out of my life but I am finally dating someone whom I am sure will continue to be in my life in some way. I do not know what way that will be but I guess I should just take that as the most exciting part. I do not know yet where this is going and I do not really need to. I am just so happy to know him. I once joked (and wrote about it in a story) that I only find God when a guy's lips are on mine, but I am thanking God most days now.
...A scary thought just occurred to me. We have both lost people we care about (although I have lost less of them) and maybe it was through the losses that we gained each other. If this is the case, I feel I would regret saying that it was worth it, but for me, it's pretty close...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So an old... "friend" of mine says he wants someone who, even when things are bad, is better than the best thing he could ever have with someone else. He says this on Facebook. For everyone to read. Thus I felt the need, an obligation, to share with this person -- who once hurt me -- some advice.
I wrote: "Just some advice... The best way to have this kind of thing with someone is to make them know you think they're the best thing under the sun. If you can make a girl feel like she's worth more than the moon and the stars, you should have no problem keeping a good girl. And just another little piece: just because a girl is good doesn't mean she can't be everything you want, if you get my drift. Some people equate good girls with prudes. It ain't true. Haha. Anyway, it's just that I've found someone who does what I'm telling you to do and honestly it makes all the difference."
I do not claim to have much romantic experience but I am sure that this is good stuff I'm dishing out to him for free. Free advice. You'd think if you were given such good stuff -- and been told by another female friend that it is sound advice -- you would take it. But alas, my friend is an idiot.
He wrote back that he kind of did that with me -- and to what he is specifically referring, you may have more clue than me -- and that he "just" wants someone who treats him right. Yeah, him and every other person on the freaking planet. His next thought (which follows the first with no punctuation in between) that he lost someone "who i treated like shit nd changed my perspective on shit nd tried workin it out with another ex nd was just mistreated and im done with it." The one question I have about his statement that I should have posed to him was this: You think because you changed your perspective, the first person you stumble upon or back to will magically work out?
If he'd responded in the affirmative, I would have laughed in his face. Only because he needs to wake up.
There are how many people in the world and we just automatically assume that finding the right person is going to happen at the snap of our fingers? I used to be of the same camp; I won't lie. But the thing that I've realized is even if your soulmate lives next door, it won't (or at least shouldn't) work out until you work on yourself.
We ought to work on being better people. That's the problem. People seem to believe that being a good person isn't something you do, but rather something that happens to you because other people do the work. I think movies and books -- different kinds of media -- have fed into this belief; made us think "I'll be complete when I find him/her." It's bullshit though. No one is going to make you a better person. You've got to do it yourself. I should have told my friend this because if he's anything like the person he was 3 years ago, he's got a lot more work to do.
I'm not perfect but I work really hard to be a good person. I help people, I am kind, I do not judge (except in extreme cases, but like I said, I'm not perfect), I believe in honesty, I love people and worry about them... I do what I can to make my tiny world a better place. It upsets me when people don't put in the same kind of effort and expect to reap rewards that haven't even happened to some of us good people.
But then again, it's easy to be selfish and expect things to be given to you. What's hard is to be a good person and to work for good things and to never have them happen for you...
To bring this back around to the FREE, good advice I gave my friend, here is my response: "I understand, but still, sometimes girls need to be reassured that they matter to you before they can fully trust you enough to give you what you want. This may sound unfair, but the truth is once you do this and they open up to you, it'll be the best. Granted, some girls may take advantage of you but you've got to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. You've got to go with your gut and decide if you think the girl is worth that trouble and hopefully she'll decide the same about you. You've got to remember that as much as your ego's been bruised, most girls you'll find have also been bruised so in most relationships, you're dealing with two sensitive egos. This is the time when you can act like a man and take care of a girl. If you do it well, she'll be taking care of you for a long time."
I hope he takes my advice. And I hope it benefits others because in most situations, we forget that there are usually two bruised or sensitive egos.
I'm just happy I'm happy now.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
As I think forming your own belief system is part of growing up, I have been thinking lately about my own. Among the things in which I believe are the following:
+ Life is gorgeous and inexplicable.
+ I can only be me. Those who don't like it, don't matter.
+ Don't rush it. When the beautiful moments come, the suffering will have been well worth it.
+ Take the shot, have stugots. If you don't try, you may never win.
+ One of the greatest pleasures in life is to read.
+ Kissing is good for the soul.
+ Believing in yourself is most important. You can't fly until you believe in your wings.
+ The best collection in the world is one of experiences, not material possessions.
+ You should always decide what's right for you; follow no one else's moral code.
+ The human experience is universal.