A friend posted this question on Facebook: "Is it OK for a guy to be sensitive and caring for other people, or does that make him look like a sissy and a punk?" I was not the only one who responded to the question asked, but the dialogue quickly turned from the idea of the sensitive man to a derision of women as wholly superficial.
While I've always had a Twisted Sisterhood-type relationship with women, I don't think we're all that superficial and even if we are, it's not entirely our fault. When it comes to each other, yes, we're superficial, and, sure, we're a teensy bit superficial when it comes to guys, but I don't think it's because we're mean. We certainly don't realize that our "superficial" expectations or needs of men won't and can't be met; these preferences are bred in us from the time we are infants. Cinderella marries the handsome and perfect prince, so we're convinced from a young age that we must and will find our own Prince Charming.
It's a plight we're not exactly the creator of. The images we have of the perfect man to be with come from the media, and as much as it disgusts me, the media is largely controlled by men like Rupert Murdoch who have their own biases and, on some level, will do just about anything to sell their product. It began, I believe, when someone recognized that giving women a book or movie where the female protagonist ends up living the perfect life with the perfect man on her arm would sell a lot of those books or movies. Women are still, despite being 90 years removed from the struggle for suffrage, fighting tooth-and-nail for everything they want and it's in our nature to want everything, and as this is the case, the movies that show a successful career woman ending up with a good, kind, sensitive but strong man automatically appeal to women. The problem lies in the fact that we're now so overloaded with these images and presentations that it's hard to separate fact (that all men are imperfectly perfect and even if a guy knows what to say and when, he's probably a player) from fiction (Prince Charming).
Alas, after things like the TV show Sex and the City, which so many men defame, at least some of us have come (or are coming) to the realization that men are not perfect but that one who loves you and supports you, even if he is so strong-willed that he won't tell you when something's bothering him, is the new Prince Charming. Sure, he may sit butt-naked on your white couch or leave his used teabags all over the house, but if he makes you feel happy, even for ten seconds, every day, then you've got a winner. This, my dear readers, I am happy to say I have found.
3 comments:
Very well put and all very true.
Thank you, dear. :)
I did not care for how your post started out, as if to almost absolve women from any kind of blame or responsibility. I don't know. Men have a similar formed perception of what it is they *should* want in a woman, right down to the way she looks. It's not their fault either, but peruse any discussion on how men see women and you'll read many comments expressing just how much we are expected, if not flat out ordered to rewire our brains accept women for who they are, not how they look. Our feet are being held to the fire on this subject.
As someone who was recently dejected for being the imperfectly perfect man who does not know what to say at all times, I hope for all of our sakes that we begin to embrace communication. I will never make the claim that I am Mr. caring and sensitive. I do express myself, but I also go foot to mouth. Like you, I seek the one who will be supportive and loving, forgiving me for my mistakes, not expecting me to know the answer to everything.
If I cannot become the new Prince Charming, I'm not sure what it is I can or will do. I'm in my early 30's. The field out there is not what it used to be. More of us are considering being alone, not by choice, but by circumstance. The game out there is changing us.
My point?
I think these kinds of conversations need to step up to another level of dialogue, beyond the superficiality back and forth, to a place where we let every man and woman know they should be comfortable in their own skin, secure in who they are, and anyone who wishes to say cruel things can stand at the back of the line.
I'm sorry for writing so much. Maybe this last comment will help bring it all together. Women, especially in online dating, are clinging to a quote by Marilyn Monroe. Paraphrasing somewhat, if you cannot handle a woman at her worst, you do not deserve her at her best. If there is any truth left in that sentiment, then it most certainly should be a two way street. I feel the quote is being abused to strongarm things in a woman's favor, not to actually teach us all that we are not perfect. We all have rough days and we all give into our demons on occasion. I was not forgiven for a verbal slip up and now I feel I cannot find a woman who is willing to offer me that level of love.
Oh, apathy is the new norm, I think. I know what it is I have to give a special woman in my life, yet that is simply not adequate. Instead, men are accused of feelings of entitlement when, in essence, that is not what we are expecting. Some of us are trying very hard to win your affections. Those of us who have been trying all of our lives are wearing ourselves thin.
I hope a man's perspective helps elevate this discussion.
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