Man's Fixation with Order

I have always believed that people believe in God and organized religion because they need some systematic way of looking at the world. People look to churches, synagogues, temples, and all manner of religious leaders and disciples to help give meaning and order to life. Reading a book on writing, Gotham Writers' Workshop's Writing Fiction tome, and its chapter "Revision: Real Writers Revise" by Peter Selgin, I found this great quote that I'm just so excited to share:

"For damning evidence of man's fixation with order look no farther than heaven; what are the constellations, but tidy boxes in which we've shelved the stars? The Big Dipper is cosmic fiction."

Before this, Selgin wrote that he writes fiction for the same reason some people believe in God: "to give meaning and order to life, or at least give it some shape here and there. Like many people, I'm uncomfortable with chaos and disorder."

Coincidentally, this is the reason (or really, one of several) why I write. Certainly one of the benefits of writing is the ability to make things happen the way you think they should, whether you make happy endings or more realistic, less fairy tale endings.

Predestination

Today I have been given much reason to think about cosmic signs and destiny. Usually when I have to make a choice, I look for cosmic signs to tell me which choice to make. Today, I took a chance on prom dress shopping. I thought if I find the perfect dress at the perfect price, I'll bite the bullet, pay for prom (pretty late...) and just go alone. I found the perfect dress and it was the last one of that style at the store and then the attendant who was helping me put it back on the rack and by the time I realized it, it was gone! It was a sign! I'm not going to prom.

Little things like this happen all the time. And sometimes the signs aren't to help me make a decision, but just to get me somewhere to make something happen. I believe in fate, signs, and deja vu, too.

I have deja vu all the time. It's this vague feeling or flash that tells me I have been here, seen this, done this some time before or at least I've dreamed it. My theory is that we live our lives over and over again. The one variable in my theory that I haven't worked out and am having trouble working out is whether or not things change in each lap around the track. I guess this is the same as asking the question: Do you make your own destiny? I don't know... I'm so confused about it all... 

Call Me 'Snarky'

Three chief complaints about people:

First of all, I am sick to death of girls who are my friend and will speak to me only when we are alone together. The same person of whom the former is true ignores me when she's having a bad day. I will not apologize for thinking that friendship is not just for the sunny days. When a friend is having a bad day and if I can't fix her problems, I always try to get her mind on other things. When I am having a bad day, I may not hide it, but I do not take it out on my so-called friends. That's just shitty. I AM SICK OF BEING SHIT ON BY PEOPLE.

Secondly, I am tired of people who avoid confrontation at all costs. I am not one for confrontation; I will admit it and I have admitted it, but when something seriously needs to be confronted, especially if I am in the position where I can ease the struggle, I attack the problem like a mad dog. I dislike hurting feelings, but if I was in the position where something true and seriously problematic needs to be aired, I would do it and not sit around wondering how I can not hurt anybody because they might be too weak to handle the blow to their ego that they so rightly deserve. I have been in a situation that has needed confrontation and the person of authority who is in the position to and has the responsibility to solve the problem has avoided dealing with it because he doesn't want to upset the idiot that has been fucking things up.

Third and lastly, I am enraged by one person (Bell) who has taken no responsibility or received no punishment for her negligence and who, in standing up for one single solitary moment to shoulder the burden which was meant to be shared with her partner, has relieved herself of the possibility of termination from her post. So I have resigned. Let Bell see how she likes the fucking pressure I have had for nearly a year with putting that publication together. She thinks she's been pressured all year? I'm the one who shouldered the fucking burden all by myself, day in, day out, night after night like Atlas, son of Lapetus, a Titan who was made to carry the world on his shoulders for warring with Zeus. I am the one who put in a million outside hours and ran myself around that school building, getting approval for one thing or another. She doesn't know the meaning of the word "pressure." I hope Bell falls flat on her face, that disgusting and ignorant ass.

I am still all ticked off but this is the end of my ranting for one evening.

Perfection: Perception Vs. Reality

People are essentially flawed. I know this and I hope you've realized it by now. That's why, in working on my new novel, when my protagonist came across a guy who started out as just a hookup but has come to read like the perfect guy, I got worried. The character is flawed, but since he's hooked up with my protagonist, he's only looked perfect and I'm afraid that what readers will take away from this is that one person can complete another. I am very wary of giving anyone this impression because even if it happens every now and then, it goes against my beliefs to write an example of such an instance.

I doubt very much that one person can "complete" another because I think that despite the fact that we, as humans, have flaws, we are complete persons. We might feel that we have holes, but these are essential to the human condition, I think. If none of us felt like something was missing, if we all have perfect lives, we would get quite bored quite quickly. If there was nothing to send us hurtling through life, no feelings or illusions of emptiness, nothing would ever change. Immanuel Kant believed life is the continual struggle to achieve perfection and once this was achieved, the universe might cease to exist. I'm really starting to believe it.

So to solve the dilemma of not appearing to tell people that it takes one person to complete another, I texted my friend Jenny, who I've known since middle school and who in freshman year was the first to read my first attempt to write a novel. I told Jenny that I thought the guy is too perfect and she asked if she should come up with some flaws for me. I told her it's weird because I've shown him to be flawed and I will show other flaws later on, but I feel like he's too perfect with my protagonist and I worry about the message that could send. Jenny eventually said, "It means that everyone is flawed but when you meet the right person, they see only the good so therefore you seem perfect."

It made amazing sense. Perception of perfection is completely different from the reality or presence of perfection. God, Jenny's a genius!

Frogs

Yes, I will always be just a little sad when I see a couple with chemistry out and about. But I am so tired of feeling like, at 17 (!), I am missing out on something because I don't have a boyfriend. You know, because I don't have some asshole who has greasy, too-long hair and lying eyes and who is shabbily dressed, saying he loves me while he paws at my clothes and pushes my head southward because all he really cares about is getting his. They are all like this; at least all of the ones I have met. Why would I need a relationship with one of these ill-mannered, non-hygienic fools to be complete?

The thing is I don't need one!

Every time a special girl friend of mine gets involved with a guy, he breaks down the walls she's so carefully built around her, gets inside her skin, her heart, her head, and then he breaks her. I'm the one who sweeps all the pieces up and Krazy glues them back together until that special girl, the one who was perfect before Jackass came along, can re-fire the pieces and fix what Jackass broke. I don't want to let some guy get in that deep. I do not want to fall apart and wait to see who will help pick up the pieces.

I guess it's kind of sad that I think any and all relationships could end this way, but I prefer to think of it as realistic. See, someday, a good, smart, strong man will come along and while I understand it's fun to kiss a bunch of frogs, there's no point in trying to date a bunch of frogs. Just kiss them, have fun, and move on. Don't try to make it last. Don't put effort into it.

Someday, I hope, the right guy will come along and I'll just know. Hopefully, this great guy will love me right away and see the real me. I'm just hoping...