Consciousness in life-changing moments

"I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern our lives are far less conscious at the time than they seem later when we are reminiscing and taking stock."

This is what Esther says in narration in Sandor Marai's novella Esther's Inheritance. When I first read these words, I thought how true, how right they were. Then I was not so sure.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I agonize over things no one else might. I think things over and over and over. Granted the things I don't think that hard about -- whether to take a nap or to go to a certain place for dinner -- may be the moments that shape and define my life as opposed to the ones I think so hard about. Maybe that is how the importance or affect of a decision is determined; maybe the more you think about it the less impact it will ultimately have.

After napping for much longer than I had intended, I finally awoke at 7 and kicked it into high gear to get the the cafeteria on the other side of campus for dinner before 8 p.m. because I was bound and determined to get dinner and fourth meal tonight. I got my dinner at 7:30 and had a half hour to kill before I could get my pretzel and lemonade at Auntie Anne's. When I got in line at 8 p.m. I was two in line behind a football player, someone I have, um, followed -- you know, football wise! -- for a few years.

I had never met him before and as I stood there, wanting to say hi, I finally just -- and with very little thought at all -- tapped his arm and asked if he was in fact the man I thought him to be. Sure enough, there was my favorite football player talking to me, taking a personal interest (if only for those brief moments) in my background. All in all, we shared a few minutes of conversation before he jetted off to wherever, leaving with the words "It was nice to meet you. See you around." (Or something. I cannot very well be trusted to remember his exact words. I was dying of excitement.)

Granted, it has not visibly impacted my life -- and it is unlikely to since I have a boyfriend! -- and it may have had no impact at all, but it surely has the potential to and the decision to tap him was something I thought very little about.

Here is what I say: I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern our lives are the those when the decisions are made instantaneously rather than agonized over. The more you think about it, the less it matters.

At least this is how it seems to work for me.