To squeeze or not to squeeze?

...Sounds like the title of a piece I could read at Rachel Kramer Bussel's In The Flesh reading series. But what I'm getting at, borrowing my language from a line in the 2004 movie The Girl Next Door, is this:

The question I'm facing right now: If I go through with this, will I regret it?

I am trying my best to figure out how to handle a situation that I never wanted to find myself in -- and yet it has happened again and again. How do I express my feelings so that I may find inner peace without permanently damaging my relationship with another person? According to Kelly, a porn producer in The Girl Next Door, the first rule of politics is this: "Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze."

As for me, I cannot figure out the politically correct way to handle this. I do not want to burn bridges. Especially not this bridge. It's not like it's the Golden Gate but still this bridge is worth more to me than almost any other. But what about this island-unto-itself, my conscience?

Can that be worth more than this bridge?

Sorry if I'm losing you amidst all these rambling thoughts. It's 1:54 a.m. at this exact moment and I cannot sleep yet I am not fully awake.

Now it's 1:55 a.m.

And I am no closer to a solution than I am to sleep. I wish someone would give me a remote control for my brain.

Consciousness in life-changing moments

"I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern our lives are far less conscious at the time than they seem later when we are reminiscing and taking stock."

This is what Esther says in narration in Sandor Marai's novella Esther's Inheritance. When I first read these words, I thought how true, how right they were. Then I was not so sure.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I agonize over things no one else might. I think things over and over and over. Granted the things I don't think that hard about -- whether to take a nap or to go to a certain place for dinner -- may be the moments that shape and define my life as opposed to the ones I think so hard about. Maybe that is how the importance or affect of a decision is determined; maybe the more you think about it the less impact it will ultimately have.

After napping for much longer than I had intended, I finally awoke at 7 and kicked it into high gear to get the the cafeteria on the other side of campus for dinner before 8 p.m. because I was bound and determined to get dinner and fourth meal tonight. I got my dinner at 7:30 and had a half hour to kill before I could get my pretzel and lemonade at Auntie Anne's. When I got in line at 8 p.m. I was two in line behind a football player, someone I have, um, followed -- you know, football wise! -- for a few years.

I had never met him before and as I stood there, wanting to say hi, I finally just -- and with very little thought at all -- tapped his arm and asked if he was in fact the man I thought him to be. Sure enough, there was my favorite football player talking to me, taking a personal interest (if only for those brief moments) in my background. All in all, we shared a few minutes of conversation before he jetted off to wherever, leaving with the words "It was nice to meet you. See you around." (Or something. I cannot very well be trusted to remember his exact words. I was dying of excitement.)

Granted, it has not visibly impacted my life -- and it is unlikely to since I have a boyfriend! -- and it may have had no impact at all, but it surely has the potential to and the decision to tap him was something I thought very little about.

Here is what I say: I have started to think that the great, decisive moments that broadly govern our lives are the those when the decisions are made instantaneously rather than agonized over. The more you think about it, the less it matters.

At least this is how it seems to work for me.

Doctor's orders.

Kay was stressed about a paper we have to write for J1111. So I told her:

"take three deep breaths. scream out loud. listen to a Gwen Stefani song or two. take a drink of water. shut your eyes for 30 seconds and tell yourself it will be ok. then plunge back in. doctor's orders."

With all the work I've been doing, and all the stress I've felt, I've decided this is my new de-stressing ritual.

Maybe this will work for you too. :)

Someplace greater.

"If you listen to your heart you may not finish where you'd planned, but someplace greater"

I wrote this in a poem once upon a time and my friend Jenny (she is also probably my biggest fan) has had this quote on her Facebook ever since. I am finally starting to see the wisdom of my words. I am nowhere close to being where I planned on being at 18 but the ride I have had -- while certainly rough at times -- has been worth it. Not only that, but I am enjoying, immensely, the place I am at.

I hope my words can have some kind of positive impact on you. If nothing, that is my goal: to better the lives of others.

♥