Once upon a time, masochism, moments

"He your boyfriend?" Dominique asked.

"Was," the young co-ed said with a wistful smile at the guy in question. "Once upon a time."

"Once upon a time," Dominique repeated, watching while the once-upon-a-time-boyfriend, leaning forward, rolled closer to the young woman. The young woman leaned into him, their foreheads almost touching as they stared into each other's eyes.

What Dominique didn't know was this was the first time the two kids saw each other since that tearful phone conversation that ended their brief, but undoubtedly intense, union.

What she also didn't know, but which you should know, is: the young co-ed was me.

And the once-upon-a-time-boyfriend... well, I still present-day love him.

I do. It's sick and it hurts.

It's like my masochistic consumption of dairy products. As much gas and nausea as I get after I eat cheese, I shovel in mega fries like I'm leaving town for a place that doesn't know to top potatoes with two kinds of cheese and yummy bacon...

That's kind of how I feel when it comes to boys. Even the best ones end up making me feel miserable.

But today, the first day I saw my once-upon-a-time-boyfriend (hereafter to be known as O.U.A.T.B.) in over 2 months and all of those feelings I had for him which have laid unresolved, the algae on the fish tank of my heart, bubbled to the surface.

I've been crying all day since then... Mostly spurred on by a certain television show which seemed to have messages for me in every episode. That's the thing... Today the universe seemed to be delivering a message I'm not sure I liked.

Even in O.U.A.T.B.'s mother's minivan after his basketball game ended, the radio seemed to telling me that I should take this player off the bench and put him back in the game. First was Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and who can't take a hint with the delightfully outlandish performer sang "I don't wanna be friends"? Then there was Gym Class Heroes' "Cupid's Chokehold" about a wonderful girlfriend, which I know I was. Then, and boy was this the kicker, there was an ad for some club event for which you gain free admission if you bring a picture of your hated ex to shred onstage. I laughed nonstop.

It was so easy being with him... It always was. But the thing is, when we weren't physically together, it wasn't so easy. And that's why it eventually ended.

What would be the point in trying it again if the circumstances haven't changed?

But boy, it felt so good when he put his hand on mine, his fingertips touching mine. I wouldn't let him hold it the right way because I knew I just might burst into tears if he did.

Now I wish I'd let him so I could sustain myself on the refreshed memory.

Oh, gosh, here come more tears.

Then there was the offer to go back to his house, when his mom wanted us to abandon our lunch plans because it was starting to snow. Only I couldn't because I have an interview first thing in the morning to be an RA next fall. I'm thinking it was a blessing in disguise. If I'd have gone with them, and if he'd have shown any interest in being "us" again, I would have said yes.

The truth is, I've been really happy on my own since we broke up. I'm more independent, I've taken drastic steps towards making my dreams happen. I have become so much happier with myself. And I like it this way.

But while sometimes it seems easier not to be attached to someone or make the effort to share my life with someone else, I miss those happy times I shared with the only really special guy I have ever dated.

Today, for a brief moment we had it again, and although it makes me cry, I'm glad to have had that moment.

(The above is an image of Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw and Chris Noth as Mr. Big in Sex and the City: The Movie.)