After I met my (new) Prince Charming on OKCupid.com, my father, who has been single since he and my mother separated, decided to create an OKC profile. Since the time he signed up, he's logged many an hour winking at attractive women within an appropriate age range, and many of these leads have led to nothing.
Maybe a week ago, Dad winked at a woman and complimented her full, wavy hair. She responded and said she thought they weren't compatible physically, which she amended by saying they were interested in different body types, and then said that my father's plans for the future didn't match hers.
Similar communiques from other women have had Dad asking me why women are responding in this way to him. I've shared with him my theory, and I think I'm truly on to something. My theory is that a good portion of middle-aged women don't take online dating, and perhaps even dating in general, seriously. By middle age, it's possible that these women have built lives that make them happy and they've only got room for a man if he's "perfect."
I wrote "On women, superficiality and the new Prince Charming," on December 17th after reading a conversation on Facebook between two guys about how superficial women are. My original thesis was that women aren't too superficial and that even if we are, it's not necessarily the fault of women that we have unrealistic expectations.
While I still believe that my gender's expectations of the opposite sex are influenced heavily by the media, I can't decide whether or not we're really that superficial. I wrote an open letter to the boyfriends of the world, stating the truth about Johnny Depp (and all the other "perfect" Hollywood men their girlfriends admire) for HOSTAGE Magazine.
The gist of that letter? "Normal girls, while admiring the Ryan Reynolds’ and Hugh Jackman’s of the world, realize that in all likelihood, he’s more into himself than he could ever be into us. We want you. The cute guy who makes us laugh, who supports us, who does things he doesn’t necessarily want to do just because we mean that much to him. That’s the guy we really fantasize about. That’s the guy who is on my mind most of the day and night."
Yes, we all fantasize about rock-hard abs and rippled biceps once in a while, but the truth is you can't comfortably snuggle up to a boulder.
I guess I can only really speak for myself, but I've never turned a guy down because he didn't look like an Adonis, or because he wore the wrong thing, or because he said the wrong thing. I've dated guys who were shorter than me, guys with physical disabilities, guys who my mother sneered at and told me were ugly.
The deal breakers for me in these relationships were things like failure to communicate, disinterest in my writing and his low self-esteem.
An anonymous thirty-something man commented on the December 17th post, saying, "[P]eruse any discussion on how men see women and you'll read many comments expressing just how much we are expected, if not flat out ordered to rewire our brains accept women for who they are, not how they look. Our feet are being held to the fire on this subject."
While it's been scientifically proven that women tend to feel attracted to guys who are the embodiment of masculinity (i.e. muscled jocks) and men are attracted to women who possess physical traits that imply fertility, I don't think that either sex is absolutely hard-wired to pick their mates solely for the attractiveness of their physical package.
Biologically/sociologically, couples get together to procreate and to create a stable home environment for that offspring. Sure, not all couples have kids and certainly not every couple gets married, but each relationship we have is really an audition for lifetime partnership (whether this means marriage or living together). Partnerships based solely on physical compatibility would be unsatisfying for both people in the long term, because as my father and plenty of others said, "Marriage is the quickest way to not have sex."
You're looking for someone to make a home with, someone who can support you while you take on the working world, someone to be there for you when life gets tough. These things originate from the compatibility of the partners' personalities.
Whether you find that an outgoing person best compliments your shy personality, or you find yourself best suited for being with someone equally shy, what matters is that the puzzle pieces fit.
From what I've seen among the hordes of women I've known, and not only did I attend an all-girls high school, but I've always been surrounded by women of all ages, most of us understand this. And a lot of the guys I've known appear to have realized this too. Maybe among other men, the opposite sex pretends to care only about how built, or hot, or whatever, a woman is. But personal experience has shown that, at least with women, most men aren't like that.
I'm not skinny; it's not something I'm the least bit ashamed of, but I'm certainly not society's ideal woman. In any case, the guys I've dated have all told me I was sexy. Now, perhaps this was just a seduction tool. Yet, somehow, I doubt it. The one guy I dated who said those very things to me ended up dating a girl who is larger than life.
In fact, I recently learned that the girl my Prince Charming lived with for two years was also a Torrid shopper. True, he said that when he first met her, her size sidetracked their romance, but eventually they got together. And according to him, they split largely because she was lazy and a compulsive liar, not because of her looks.
This speaks to something else I've learned about men and women getting together. While we might be attracted to each other in the beginning, our perception of and feelings toward our lovers, at least in relationships, only improve and grow. The obstacles which a couple encounters when together can sometimes weaken the bond, but hopefully, they'll strengthen your union.
The longer you're with someone, the more perfect they become, and the less important your first impressions become.
Honestly, and sadly, we live in a world where the media shows us that guys only care about a woman's looks and that women are victimized by male-inflicted psychological trauma. It's tempting to buy into all of this, especially when the actors portraying these characters feel like the girl (or guy) next door, but we all need to look past it and remember that inside that sterling silver gift wrap could be a heart of gold.
Unfortunately, Mr. Thirtysomething was recently dropped like a hot potato because he said the wrong thing, and for that I can make no excuse. Indeed, his lady should have been mature enough not to cry over spoiled words. He intimates that it's happened numerous times. There are two more things I've learned about relationships in my short life, and they are: people are sometimes attracted to the same type of person over and over, and some like to date people who treat them like shit.
Perhaps, Mr. Thirtysomething, you're attracted to bitchy, princess-type girls whose daddies were God-like. Clearly, if they're available to date you, they've not found Mr. Perfect, and they'll eventually realize that he does not exist. They'll learn that they would be lucky to be you with you, the new Prince Charming, who could also be called "Mr. Perfect in His Imperfections."
Mr. Thirtysomething also writes, "I feel the quote [Marilyn Monroe's suggestion that a man who can't handle a woman at her worst, doesn't deserve her at her best] is being abused to strongarm things in a woman's favor, not to actually teach us all that we are not perfect. We all have rough days and we all give into our demons on occasion."
While I agree that we're all imperfect, I can understand women trying to create a dating world where they're in charge. After all, men have been calling the shots for centuries. Sadly this means there are some women who enjoy toying with men.
All I can say is we women are not all the same, just like men aren't all the same (whether the archetype you picture is Jonah Hill or Jake Gyllenhaal).
By the way, Mr. Thirtysomething, it's quite alright that you wrote quite a bit, as I think any treatise on this topic would need to encompass about a million layers...
Anyway.
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